Patience in an Age of Anxiety

“There is this wonderful word in the Gospel and it is “patience.” In the Gospel to have patience means to stay fully where you are, to live the moment to the full, to trust that all you need is where you are. An impatient person is always saying, “This is not a good place to be. I want to be somewhere else.” “This moment is empty.” “This moment doesn’t hold anything for me. I want to be there.” “Tomorrow, next year, later, when I grow old, when I get a career, when I get rich,” or whatever.

We are always looking ahead. We are in grade school to go to high school. We are in high school to go to college. We are in college to get our little job. We are in our little job to get our big job. We are in our big job to retire. We retire…but the real thing is always ahead of us. A lot of us live ahead of ourselves and therefore are not tasting the truth that the Spirit of God is with us now, here, at this moment.” –Following Jesus by Henri J. M. Nouwen

This excerpt is from the book “Following Jesus.” The subtitle says, “Finding our way home in an age of anxiety.” When I first read this book in 2020, I didn’t really get why that was the subtitle. I didn’t find the book necessarily had much to do with anxiety. But as I reread this today, having had new experiences over the past 1.5 years, I totally get it. It has everything to do with anxiety.

Anxiety can be described as a sense of uneasiness, nervousness, worry, fear or dread. In the past I wouldn’t have considered myself an anxious person. Sure, I’d have moments of feeling nervous or worry about the outcome of something. But overall, just normal feelings that anyone would have in those situations.

When I reflect on 2021, anxiety is a pretty accurate descriptor. This isn’t something I’m proud of and feels like a new thing for me, so I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting about it all.

Some of my recent anxiety makes total sense. We had a miscarriage in 2020 that was a bit traumatic. It took another year to get pregnant again and the trying and waiting caused a lot of anxiety. Worry that something was wrong with us. Fear that we’d never have another child like we wanted. Many negative emotions about what happened, what might/might not happen and how it was all affecting my life. I certainly said many times, “This is not a good place to be. I want to be there.” Life was not really good until I could be pregnant again and have a baby in my arms.

The funny thing (not really though) was that even when I got pregnant again, the anxiety didn’t go away, it just changed. Changed into worry and fear that something terrible would happen again. I certainly was anxiously looking ahead, thinking “after this appointment,” “once we reach this week” then I’ll be ok.

Identifying and understanding anxiety about having a baby was fairly straightforward. The anxiety I felt in other ways was more confusing to me. The best way I can describe it is a mostly constant feeling of “this is not a good place to be, I want to be somewhere else” but feeling stuck. In clear moments I could acknowledge that we were exactly where God called us to be, pursuing the vision He gave us. This should give me peace and confidence right? It would, for a moment, and then I’d be filled with anxiety again.

Feeling like I wasn’t doing enough, that I should be doing more to be further along. Feeling like my time spent mothering was empty, that real value and fruit is in the ministry we do. Thinking, “Being a mom of young kids (with another baby on the way) is not a good place to be, I want to be free to work.” Mothering was preventing me from being in the place I should be.

But again, the anxiety would not go away when I shifted to a different place, it would just change. I would spend time working on ministry things and still feel anxiety. Thinking, “This is not a good place to be, I should be with my kids, I want to be there with my kids.” Working was preventing me from being the mom I should be.

Layered on top of all of these moments and “places” I could be, was constant anxiety about what other people thought. Maybe “they” would see me mothering and think I should be working. Maybe “they” would see me working and think I’m being a bad mom. Maybe “they” just think everything I’m doing and how I’m doing it is all wrong!

It’s been helpful to identify “who” is saying these things that go through my head. Sometimes the “who” would be me, my own expectations and pressures I’d put on myself. Other times it was “they,” which very rarely were actual people saying actual things. “They” are more accurately the real or perceived expectations and pressures I feel from society.

What has been most helpful in dealing with anxiety has been to dig into deeper levels through reflection and asking questions. Dr. Caroline Leaf says that anxiety is just an emotion pointing to a deeper belief. I think she’s exactly right. Some of the deeper beliefs I’ve discovered in regards to feeling anxiety about our pioneering work are: I must be lazy or not cut out for this. But these beliefs are founded on other beliefs that society tells me. Society tells me that success is defined by numbers, productivity, how fast something grows. Success is determined by how hard you work, your level of hustle. Basically that the number one factor in something being “successful” is me. So if there’s a perceived problem or hindrance, it’s me. And there’s way more that can be unpacked as far as how we define success.

Some other beliefs I’ve discovered are: Being a mom is something I need to just fit in around my “real” work. I’m not really doing enough in ministry unless it’s x amount of hours. I have to/or should be able to do it all. I should be able to work full-time, be a mom, a wife, take care of myself, and maintain friendships, etc. every day of every season of life.

Our beliefs are what drive us. It’s no wonder I’ve felt anxiety like I have. It’s clear to me that I’ve been believing all sorts of things that contradict each other. One belief says, “This is not a good place, you should be there.” So I go there and that belief says, “No, this is not a good place, you should be there.” It takes a lot of awareness and discipline to stop and ask, “Who is saying this?” and “Is this true?”

I recently listened to a podcast about doing the right things at the right time. The truth is that there are seasons in life and that they should look different. There are right times to plant and right times to harvest. We can’t do it all, all of the time. We’re not meant to and that’s actually good and right. So rather than being in winter and thinking, “This is not a good place to be, I want to be in summer,” what if we were just present? What if we let go of the anxiety that tells us we should be somewhere else and believe—trust—that there are good things where we are?

I’m right in the middle of applying this truth, but already it’s been incredibly helpful. It’s helpful to identify that we are in the building season of ministry. We’re not running a bunch of programs, training hundreds of people. I don’t need to feel bad or anxious about that. That season will come. Right now the right thing to do is to plant the proper things for that season to happen. Right now I’m in the season of being a mom of young kids. I could beat myself up over the fact that I can’t put in 40 hours a week working, but why? The truth is that my kids do require a lot of my time right now. This is good and right.

And the season will come (probably faster than I like) when my kids won’t need me as much and I’ll be able to work more. It’s not fair to compare my current season or place with past or future ones.

“Lord, help me to see that I am in a good place. That this moment is all I need, because you are here, in it. Help me to have the peace and patience to stay fully where I am. Trusting that as I fully live life in the Spirit, the future will unfold from the present.”

“Patience means to remain close to the moment and to fully taste where you are so that the seeds that are sown in the moment can grow and lead you to the future. The future is hidden in the present as a seed in fertile ground. Don’t be impatient. Don’t go back and pull out the seed to see if it is growing. It will not grow if you do that. ….If anything is happening that is spiritually valid, it is happening here and now, at this moment. You can be where you are. You don’t have to be anywhere else. You can be fully present to the moment and trust that even in the midst of your pain, in the midst of your struggle, something of God is at work in you and wants to reveal itself to you.” –Following Jesus by Henri J. M. Nouwen